Blind to the ties that bind

Blind to the ties that bind
- Mathew Pereira, Sunday Times Lifestyle, 4 Mar 2007

"A friend who had been working in Shanghai for the past 10 years groaned when he was given the opportunity to take up a post back home in Singapore. Initially, I was surprised at his reaction, but later realised there were understandable factors why he wanted to stay: He was in his late 30s, doing well, Shanghai is where the action is, and of course, there are all those extra allowances for working abroad. But what was his main reason for preferring not to come back, I asked when he popped over recently for Chinese New Year.

"It is because of our friends there," he said, referring to a group of expatriate British, American and African friends whom he, his wife, and two sons had grown close to over the years. "They are much warmer, much friendlier and more open than Singaporeans." My jaw dropped. I was not even able to mask my disappointment as he continued to elaborate that, in Singapore, people are just too busy with themselves and their families. Everyone goes to work, goes home to his family, and that is it. Singaporeans have not time for other people.

Over in Shanghai, friends mean a lot more to each other, he noted. His wife chipped in:"Every one or two days, we hear from one of our close friends. You get an email or a text message or a visit." Sometimes it is a serious meeting - to help someone out with a problem; on other days, it is a visit just to say hello, to meet for a quick meal or just to chat. One could argue that these expatriates, my fellow Singapore friends included, had reason to build close bonds - they are away fom home and have no one else.

But that, my friend alluded, is not the case. In Shanghai, he could easily have operated as a Singaporean here - go straight home to his family and kids and not bother about anyone else. He has a nice home facing a lake and there is no reason to meet and spend time with others. Yet he and those in his group do meet up. They are involved in the lives of each other's families. They confide in each other about the challenges they face, they support each other when they hit a rough patch, and that strengthens their bonds. All of this, he was sure, would not happen in Singapore.

While I was listening to all this, I was preparing my defence, but the trouble was, I didn't know where to start: to defend myself for being lumped into this uncaring lot of Singaporeans who have no time for others, or to defend all Singaporeans. I have often told expatriate friends here that Singaporeans are actually friendlier than they appear, that they are kind and helpful. But to hear that from a fellow Singaporean that we have some way to go was a big blow. Part of the reason I kept my mouth shut while my friend gave his factual observation, was that I knew he was right. I am guilty of what he said, too. By his definition, I am a typical Singaporean, someone who says I am busy and does not have time. As well, my boast sometimes is that I have such a strong bond with some friends that I need to meet them only once every one or two years, and we can connect as if no time had passed. But that according to my friend, is not something to be proud of.

I once had a visitor from India whose Mum was a relative. I met him for lunch, then said goodbye. That was it, even though he was here for a few days. Only later did I realise that the visitor was a close cousin whom Mum used to talk to me about but I had not met before. Because she ahd always referred to him by his pet name, it did not register when I met my cousin. Worse, his Mum was someone I was very fond of. I was thoroughly embarassed that I did not make time for him.

So what's the big deal? Should we be bothered by our behaviour? Yes, if we want a country with a soul. If all we want is an efficient, clean and green city and a place where we can make money, then it doesn't matter. Some people think that a fast, progressive country like Singapore and one with a soul are mutually exclusive. You have one or the other. I tend to think it need not be that way, though I would agree that while it used to happen naturally in the past, it requires more effort these days.

In my column a fortnight ago, I mentioned the old kampung spirit in this place I grew in - Kola mAyer Estate. Since then, I have received quite a number of e-mail from former neighbours in the estate whom I had not seen or heard from in the last 30 years. Already one or two of them have offered to host a reunion. It was a reminder why I had missed the old estate, even after all this time. But it takes effort. If you claim you are not the sentimental sort and have no time for emotions, then take note that there are practical reasons, too, for building a place with a soul.

Research on the link between relationships and physical health has established that people with rich personal networks who have close family and friends, and who are active in social and religious groups, go on to live longer, a New York Times report last year said.

It will be sad if, like this friend of mine in Shanghai, otheres here also feel that they can't build strong bonds with the people in their community, not because these people don't have the time, but because, for Singaporeans, a place with a soul is not a priority."

This article reminds me a little on the heart vs mind debate going on in the Parliament about Workfare and Tharman's 'hormel', half-horse and half-camel.